I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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