You're completely useless in the revolution.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
