Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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