I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
