dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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