My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
