I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
