He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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