she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize