4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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