Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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