This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
