I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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