While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Randomize
