I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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