Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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