i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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