I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
