Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize