I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
