Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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