You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize