Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
