Your dad touched me again.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize