We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
