We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
