listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
