just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
