we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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