is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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