I'm going to jail i love you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
