A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
