Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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