I'm lost and stupid without you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
