Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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