someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
