idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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