Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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