My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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