Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I want to fling myself into the sun
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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