umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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