Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
