Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
