woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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