I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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