i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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