my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
