M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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