i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
