I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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