I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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