This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
