Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
