I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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