He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
