i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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