before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
