the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
