My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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