Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
