Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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